Love Songs: Romance by Generations

Love may be a many-splendored thing, but the colors it chooses are determined by our culture and our experience. As demographers William Strauss and Neil Howe have said, one of the defining aspects of a generation is its "peer personality", the "collective attitudes about family life, sex roles, institutions, politics, religion, lifestyle, and the future" (Generations: The History of America's Future, 1584 to 2069, p. 63). And romantic relationships, for better or worse, inhabit every corner of those spheres, painting generational portraits of life and love.

Love Songs: Romance by Generations

I don't think there's any better way to exemplify generational attitudes towards love than with love songs. To quote the blog of Ted Gioia, the music and culture critic who authored Love Songs: The Hidden History, "the love song is inherently disruptive, and even political. It expresses our deepest feelings in public—and this is always linked to freedom of speech, human rights, and personal autonomy. New ways of singing about love have always been a cause of social change." So, as Valentine's Day visits again with candy hearts and catchy tunes, let's listen to what each generation has to say about their own experience of romantic relationships.

SILENT IS SENTIMENTAL

One of my guilty pleasures is reading teen romance novels from the Silent Generation (born 1925-1942). Whether it's Beverly Cleary's The Luckiest Girl or Anne Alexander's The Pink Dress, I get a lot of enjoyment from these simple stories. When I listen to the music of that era, it echoes the attitude of the novels: For the Silent Generation, love is sentimental. Romance is primarily defined by the significance of emotion attached to the relationship, usually symbolized by a token or special event. The custom of bestowing pins, letter jackets, or ID bracelets on a beloved was at its peak in the early-marrying Silent Generation, and these tokens were often a proxy for later symbols like engagement or wedding rings.

Don Cherry's popular song "Band of Gold" immortalizes this idea with its lyrics: "Don't want the world to have and hold / For fame is not my line / Just want a little band of gold / To prove that you are mine." Though later generations may find the song a bit syrupy and laugh at the singer's vow to eschew fame, fortune, or travel in favor of simple married life, "Band of Gold" is a tune that rang true for the Silent Generation in their youth. Sadly, the Sexual Revolution saw too many of these marriages end in divorce, as sentiment wore thin amidst the cares of middle age. The "dream that I could speak to," as as Etta James sang in "At Last!", did not last after all. But the Silent description of first love remains a superb and enduring one for all young romantics.

BOOM IS TRANSFORMATIONAL

Chances are, if you're an American under the age of 80, the soundtrack of your life has been heavily populated by Baby Boomer (born 1943-1960) love songs. As the sociological "pig in the python", this massive generation attracts a lot of attention to itself, about itself. And when it comes to romantic relationships, Baby Boomers are, as in all things, looking for personal transformation. Reflecting a deeper shift from modernism to post-modernism, they are most interested in the way coupledom signifies a change in self.

Self-actualization is a bizarrely fascinating take on love. It's hard to imagine a G.I. being told "you were made to go out and get her," like the addressee of the Beatles' "Hey Jude." And yet, there's something undeniably sweet and true about the exhortation to be vulnerable and use love to make the world a better place. Likewise, Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe" appeals to the evergreen experience of young love prevailing against disapproving parents. But in Boomer style, the lyrics spend just as much time declaring the personal accomplishments of the lovers: "I got you to hold my hand / I got you to understand [...] I got you, I won't let go / I got you to love me so." Perhaps this is why so many long-term Baby Boomer relationships eventually assume a dominant/submissive model (much like the Bonos themselves): there's only so much room for personal transformation before it becomes one-directional, and maybe that negotiation in "Love and Marriage" is just as valuable as sentiment.

GEN X IS SUPPORTIVE

Generation X (born 1961-1981) gets a lot of flak for its matter-of-fact approach to living, and they probably deserve it. When it comes to love, they aren't looking for symbols or significance. Raised in an era of childhood neglect and poverty, even your well-to-do Gen Xer would probably say their expectations of life and love are small. Often viewing themselves as "damaged goods," their ability to make meaningful connections with others is hampered by low self-esteem and a history of financial difficulties. So when it comes to love, their outlook is pragmatic: they want one person with whom they can share emotional and material support.

With that in mind, Generation X romance is focused more on a reliable history than a fantastic future. Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" celebrates a couple whose financial sacrifices for each other inspire trust despite present uncertainties. The risk-taking Gen Xers in the song decide "we'll give it a shot" because at least with each other they're already "halfway there". Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" is another testament to the invaluable support of a lover, claiming "You were my eyes when I couldn't see / You saw the best there was in me / Lifted me up when I couldn't reach / You gave me faith 'cause you believed." Both songs invoke a sense of the divine in these relationships, and while some may feel it's sacriligious, I think it touches on a real truth: what you're willing to sacrifice for someone else can be the purest expression of love.

MILLENNIAL IS CELEBRATORY

In a world of confluent love, as described by Mark Regnerus in Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage, and Monogamy, a lasting romantic relationship is more about accomplishment than emotion. For Millennials (born 1982-2005), this means partner valuation is a very real part of love. Widely derided as the generation of the participation trophy, Millennials are nonetheless deeply aquainted with the relativity of worth in a postmodern and nearly post-capitalist society. That said, they have high expectations of their lovers: if committment is costly (and it is!), the winner must be deserving.

Songs like "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars reassure the beloved of their worth: "When I see your face / There's not a thing that I would change / 'Cause you're amazing / Just the way you are." Likewise, the quick-shifting mating marketplace makes finding a good partner something worth celebrating. The low-key, casual vibes of "Lucky", a beach-bum duet between Cobie Caillat and Jason Mraz weave neatly with the lyrics about lovers reuniting: "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend / Lucky to have been where I have been / Lucky to be coming home again." It's an interesting egalitarian idealism that pervades every CIVIC archetype generation, but still expresses itself in classic love song styles like the elongated compliment ("reasons why you're pretty") and the unity tune ("together again!"). Maybe that's not surprising; after all, one of the most pleasurable parts of romance is the sensation of being remembered and cherished.

WHAT IS LOVE?

With so many shades on the gradient of human experience, love can be a hard thing to define, especially when there are so many ways to express it. The Bible itself has a variety of words for love, and indeed gives a detailed example of romantic love and courtship in the book Song of Solomon* (sometimes known as Song of Songs). The lovers in the Song are alternately sentimental about their meetings, transformed by their relationship, materially supportive, and celebratatory about their appearances and their triumphant union:

• The Bride, a Shulamite peasant, waxes poetic about her feelings for the Groom, King Solomon: "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, / If you find my beloved, / As to what you will tell him: For I am lovesick." (5:8); "Many waters cannot quench love, / Nor will rivers overflow it; / If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, / It would be utterly despised." (8:7);

• The Bride rejoices in the blossoming love between herself and the Groom, symbolized by changes in nature: "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, / He who pastures his flock among the lilies" (6:3); "For behold, the winter is past, / The rain is over and gone." (2:11).

• The peasant Bride, once a laborer in the vineyards (1:6), reflects on the sumptuous new life with her Groom, the king: "The beams of our house are cedars, / Our rafters, cypresses" (1:17); "We will make for you ornaments of gold / With beads of silver" (1:11).

• The Bride and Groom admire each others' appearance and celebrate their relationship: "Your lips are like a scarlet thread, / And your mouth is lovely. / Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate / Behind your veil." (4:3); "His mouth is full of sweetness. / And he is wholly desriable. / This is my beloved and this is my friend, / O daughters of Jersualem" (5:16).

It's a beautiful expression of love without shame, a complete and ideal picture which none of us can quite recreate during our imperfect lives on earth. And yet, God has given us a taste of the divine on earth with the experience of romance, love, and marriage. I hope that wherever this Valentine's Day finds you, may you find a way to express a pure love, and someday, have it returned in kind.

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*selections taken from the Song of Solomon, New American Standard Bible (NASB) version

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If you love music as much as I do, check out the soundtrack for this blog on Spotify and YouTube. I've also made a playlist of Generational Valentines on YouTube. What would you add? Send me a message, and have a Happy Valentine's Day!